On Being The Better Man
Saturday night, I walked away from a fight. Take a minute to comprehend that idea...
I know, it's huge and by all accounts I did all the right thing (There was some cussing done on my part, but it was not excessive).
I'm not going to share details of what started it or what happened because I am sure I have already shared it with everyone, and frankly, I am not trying to share the details of it but more so why I am still angry and disappointed at myself.
Yes, at myself.
I am still angry about this incident. It bothered me all night Saturday, all of Sunday and still to this point.
I did not back down. I did not escalate it. I did not retaliate. I walked away. I did the right thing. I was the better man. I know all this, but why does it feel like I left something unfinished?
Why am I still bitching about it? Why is the incident still haunting me? Why do I keep bringing myself back and thinking about how I would have fought the two of them?
Am I really a better person for walking away when the entire time during the stare down I was thinking about how I was going to approach the fight? Am I really a better person for thinking I was going to have to bash someones head into the pole on the Metro? Am I really a better person for being so trigger happy that I decided if any physical contact was made, I would pounce on him and bash his face in, hoping my friends would stop the other guy long enough for me to get up and then fight him?
Am I really a better person for walking away when I keep thinking to myself how could the punk have the audacity to challenge me to a fight?
I should let this all go. I should let it slide. I have to remind myself that I was the better man and find solace in that idea. I am not fifteen anymore; I am not in the school yard where a fight lands me detention after school. I am twenty-three years of age; if I get in a fight, I will go to jail. I know all this and I should be happy with what I did and did not do.
They say actions speak louder than words, but does actions speak louder than thought? Does my actions justify the horrible things that I was thinking/plotting?
My sister says that walking away was one of the most mature things I have done ever. One of my best friends said that I did the right thing and that he was glad that I was there.
On the outside, it may look like I turned a page, but I do not feel like I have changed at all. In fact, I feel like I am a worse person.
I think if this happened two months ago, I would have laughed it off as I should have and been fine, but I have been in the mood for self-examination as of late. I know it is wrong to, but I do honestly feel like I pussied out on some level. I feel like some sort of my pride and manhood has been tarnished for not fighting. In analyzing myself, should I weigh my initial thoughts as heavily as my actions? Am I being too harsh on myself right now? Is it even a byproduct of my anger that made me think that way I did or would everyone think of the same things as I did when thrust into the same situation?
I just have to remind myself that I am more of man for my actions and less of a child for my inactions.
Do not get me wrong, I am proud of myself for how the incident went. I should be happy that I acted rationally.
I guess I am growing up after all...
I know, it's huge and by all accounts I did all the right thing (There was some cussing done on my part, but it was not excessive).
I'm not going to share details of what started it or what happened because I am sure I have already shared it with everyone, and frankly, I am not trying to share the details of it but more so why I am still angry and disappointed at myself.
Yes, at myself.
I am still angry about this incident. It bothered me all night Saturday, all of Sunday and still to this point.
I did not back down. I did not escalate it. I did not retaliate. I walked away. I did the right thing. I was the better man. I know all this, but why does it feel like I left something unfinished?
Why am I still bitching about it? Why is the incident still haunting me? Why do I keep bringing myself back and thinking about how I would have fought the two of them?
Am I really a better person for walking away when the entire time during the stare down I was thinking about how I was going to approach the fight? Am I really a better person for thinking I was going to have to bash someones head into the pole on the Metro? Am I really a better person for being so trigger happy that I decided if any physical contact was made, I would pounce on him and bash his face in, hoping my friends would stop the other guy long enough for me to get up and then fight him?
Am I really a better person for walking away when I keep thinking to myself how could the punk have the audacity to challenge me to a fight?
I should let this all go. I should let it slide. I have to remind myself that I was the better man and find solace in that idea. I am not fifteen anymore; I am not in the school yard where a fight lands me detention after school. I am twenty-three years of age; if I get in a fight, I will go to jail. I know all this and I should be happy with what I did and did not do.
They say actions speak louder than words, but does actions speak louder than thought? Does my actions justify the horrible things that I was thinking/plotting?
My sister says that walking away was one of the most mature things I have done ever. One of my best friends said that I did the right thing and that he was glad that I was there.
On the outside, it may look like I turned a page, but I do not feel like I have changed at all. In fact, I feel like I am a worse person.
I think if this happened two months ago, I would have laughed it off as I should have and been fine, but I have been in the mood for self-examination as of late. I know it is wrong to, but I do honestly feel like I pussied out on some level. I feel like some sort of my pride and manhood has been tarnished for not fighting. In analyzing myself, should I weigh my initial thoughts as heavily as my actions? Am I being too harsh on myself right now? Is it even a byproduct of my anger that made me think that way I did or would everyone think of the same things as I did when thrust into the same situation?
I just have to remind myself that I am more of man for my actions and less of a child for my inactions.
Do not get me wrong, I am proud of myself for how the incident went. I should be happy that I acted rationally.
I guess I am growing up after all...
posted by vinnie at
8:39 AM
1 Comments:
Philosophers tend to agree that intention is an integral part of the ethical calculus, so it's understandable that you'd be beating yourself up for thinking violent thoughts. The Buddha teaches that right action is a path to right intention. Think of it as a feedback loop; one reinforces the other. Feedback, in this case, is obtained through introspection. By choosing non-violence in this case, it becomes easier for you to regard non-violence as a solution to future conflicts.
Long story short, like your sister, I'm proud of you for finding a peaceful resolution, but I'm even more encouraged by the introspection shown in this post. With that in mind, I think a more apt title for the post may have been "On Becoming The Better Man"; goodness is an outlook and attitude to be cultivated, not simply the sum of your actions. You'll be a pacifist before you know it.
But what do I know?
By
Radrik, at November 29, 2006 6:39 PM
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